Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. — : 554-555
NVC does not mandate that we remain completely objective and refrain from evaluating. It only requires that we maintain a separation between our observations and our evaluations. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations; instead, evaluations are to be based on observations specific to time and context. Semanticist Wendell Johnson pointed out that we create many problems for ourselves by using static language to express or capture a reality that is ever changing: “Our language is an imperfect instrument created by ancient and ignorant men. It is an animistic language that invites us to talk about stability and constants, about similarities and normal and kinds, about magical transformations, quick cures, simple problems, and final solutions. Yet the world we try to symbolize with this language is a world of process, change, differences, dimensions, functions, relationships, growths, interactions, developing, learning, coping, complexity. And the mismatch of our ever-changing world and our relatively static language forms is part of our problem.” — : 707-714
NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead, observations are to be made specific to time and context, for example, “Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games,” rather than “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.” — : 809-810
Yes, this process is often difficult for me. As we continue with the workshop, you’ll probably hear me describe several incidents where I’ve struggled … or completely lost touch … with this process, this consciousness, that I am presenting here to you. But what keeps me in the struggle are the close connections to other people that happen when I do stay with the process. — : 829-832
Conversely, in the English language, it is not necessary to use the word feel at all when we are actually expressing a feeling: we can say, “I’m feeling irritated,” or simply, “I’m irritated.” — : 954-956
On the surface, taking responsibility for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring. It may appear that the child cares for the parent and feels bad because the parent is suffering. However, if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt. — : 1226-1228
My belief is that, whenever we say something to another person, we are requesting something in return. — : 1567-1568
mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes. — : 1684-1686
Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately. The objective of NVC is to establish a relationship based on honesty and empathy. When others trust that our primary commitment is to the quality of the relationship, and that we expect this process to fulfill everyone’s needs, then they can trust that our requests are true requests and not camouflaged demands. — : 1687-1691
My friend Holley Humphrey identified some common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. The following are examples: Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t … ?” One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.” Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just … ” Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ” Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ” Interrogating: “When did this begin?” Explaining: “I would have called but … ” Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.” — : 1856-1863
No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting. — : 1884-1885
they’ve said and an opportunity — : 1912-1913
NVC suggests that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker. Questions may focus on these components: what others are observing: “Are you reacting to how many evenings I was gone last week?” how others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings: “Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation of your efforts than you received?” what others are requesting: “Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying what I did?” — : 1913-1918
Paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker had said. — : 1988-1989
When we work in a hierarchically structured institution, there is a tendency to hear commands and judgments from those higher up in the hierarchy. While we may easily empathize with our peers and with those in less powerful positions, we may find ourselves being defensive or apologetic, instead of empathic, in the presence of those we identify as our “superiors.” This is why I was particularly pleased that these faculty members had remembered to empathize with their dean as well as with their students. — : 2177-2180
People are not aware that empathy is often what they are needing. Neither do they realize that they are more likely to receive that empathy by expressing the feelings and needs that are alive in them than by recounting tales of past injustice and hardship. — : 2306-2308
An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of ourselves—the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place. — : 2465-2466
Money is not a “need” as we define it in NVC; it is one of countless strategies that may be selected to address a need. — : 2537-2539
Probably the most important part of learning how to live the process we have been discussing is to take our time. We may feel awkward deviating from the habitual behaviors that our conditioning has rendered automatic, but if our intention is to consciously live life in harmony with our values, then we’ll want to take our time. — : 2790-2792
For example, if someone arrives late for an appointment and we need reassurance that she cares about us, we may feel hurt. If, instead, our need is to spend time purposefully and constructively, we may feel frustrated. But if our need is for thirty minutes of quiet solitude, we may be grateful for her tardiness and feel pleased. Thus, it is not the behavior of the other person but our own need that causes our feeling. — : 2623-2626
All it takes is a lot of patience, the willingness to establish a human connection, the intention to follow NVC principles until you reach a resolution, and trust that the process will work. — : 2912-2914
The parties also need to know from the start that the objective is not to get the other side to do what they want them to do. — : 2917-2917
we work to create that quality of mutual concern and respect where each party thinks their own needs matter and they are conscious that their needs and the other person’s well-being are interdependent. — : 2924-2926
Intellectual analysis is often received as criticism. — : 3010-3011
If we really want to be of assistance to others, the first thing to learn is to translate any message into an expression of a need. — : 3014-3015
we ask the person to take an action that we ourselves can see or hear. — : 3112-3113
—the first thing we do is to empathize with the needs of the person who is behaving in the way we dislike. In the first situation, if we wanted to see more violence directed at the toddler, we could, instead of offering empathy to the mother, say something to imply that she was wrong to hit the child. — : 3254-3256
We refrain, however, from mentioning our own needs regarding the person’s behavior until it is clear to them that we understand and care about his or her needs. — : 3264-3266
What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking? — : 3358-3358
I believe it is critical to be aware of the importance of people’s reasons for behaving as we request. For example, blaming or punishing would obviously not be effective strategies if we want children to clean their rooms out of either a desire for order or a desire to contribute to their parents’ enjoyment of order. — : 3360-3362
She was asked to imagine the “career woman” voice taking an “NVC pill” in order to restate its message in the following form: “When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I now would like d.” — : 3468-3471